Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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