she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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