If that was your dad, he is hot
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
