Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
