I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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