last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
My day in three words: secret purse cake
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
