you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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