That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
