I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
