just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
