My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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