She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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