As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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