My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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