But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
