between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
