I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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