he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
