i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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