Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
