I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
