Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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