I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
