The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
