Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
