Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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