Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
