im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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