You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Pants are for mortals
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
