If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
