I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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