I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
