The maid of honor just puked.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
