My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
thus making me awesome and them whores
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
