Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
