i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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