this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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