Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
