Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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