please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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