dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
