Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
