Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
