Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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