Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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