I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Mom said you looked used
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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