And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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