so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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