does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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