I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
