Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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