haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
