I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
