He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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