Your mouth is God's brothel.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
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